a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
