alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
