I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize