I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
