so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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