ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Randomize
