I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
