I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
