You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
a search helicopter?!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She told me I should be a condom model.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
