Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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