i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
