This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
