Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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