the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
