If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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