Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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