I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
