I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
