so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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