forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
