Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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