somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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