I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize