also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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