The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
