my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
