My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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