First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
