So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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