I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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