sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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