Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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