I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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