my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
