Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
