he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
