you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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