You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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