Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
