I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
