he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
