a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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