i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
