So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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