whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
