Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
