If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
