I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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