It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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