Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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