There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
