I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
