I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
