Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
