I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
