I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize