Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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