: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
